My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
