Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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