Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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