I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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