omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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