oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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