Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
