you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
