My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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