i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
