If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize