The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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