I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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