Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
