Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
