I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
