If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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