So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
