I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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