Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
