good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
