I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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