so that wasnt chicken after all
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so let's talk penis.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize