So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
