I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
