I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It was confusing and full of hummus
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
This is the high leading the old right now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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