just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Still dying that you shit outside
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just puked most of my soul out..
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