If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
