She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
