I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
