every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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