Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
