My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
