Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
