I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize