i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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