I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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