I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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