Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
