Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
