the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
