she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
