Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
