I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize