Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
