I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
