Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
