I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize