he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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