Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
