Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
