You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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