yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So squirting runs in the family.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
