ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
he just fucked me for my cheese.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
