Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
