If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
