I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize