Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
