Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
