went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
