went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
