I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
