god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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