he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
