dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
