Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize