Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Randomize
