i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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