Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
