Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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