This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize