so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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