tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
