the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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