Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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